A short prose piece I wrote during a 30 minute Writing Salon (1-on-1) in May 2020:
Starting a new experiment today. I'm journaling in my new iPad for the first time. It feels great to fulfill on something I saw possible in 2014. Oh the body. What to do with the things I've done to it? I am inspired by the miracle the body is - I am grateful to be sensitive to its needs.
"Do you know I have appreciation for you and it might not be obvious?"
"I'm glad you're saying something because I'm not always convinced you appreciate me"
"Why do you say that?" , as I grab a bite of a tasty bagel.
"Well - you don't seem to listen to me when I say I've had enough" "Like the other day I was just as excited as you to go out shopping for the first time in 4 weeks" "You knew from the night prior I wasn't feeling well and needed rest" "I'm glad you stopped, said goodbye to your friends, and went to bed. That I appreciate. You gave me the rest I needed. So went to Trader Joe's and Costco and decided to come back home to put frozen items away. You had a chance to rest. You had a chance to eat before putting everything else away. You even had your housemate wanting to eat first. You said no to feeding me. You said no to lying down and taking a nap. So it upsets me when I have to resort to giving you a sore throat this morning just to wake you up. I don't know why I have to go to extremes to make you listen. When are you going to grow up?"
I can't help but feel be riddled - I'm doing my best. I don't know how to respond that I'm just doing what I can and want to be acknowledged for the progress I am making. "Look I get you're frustrated. I haven't treated you well. I get you sick and It doesn't feel good for me too. I am guilty. I can't help but feel bad - I know I've made a mistake. I wish you could understand failure for me is so hard - I'm so hard on myself I don't need you to give me shit too."
"Ok, I hear you. I just don't know how we can just be a team. I feel like as long as you make me separate, then we are just going to point fingers at each other. It not any different from how I see you relate to recycling - I even see you fight for others to recycle. Sometimes I get jealous. Why won't you fight for me - for us the same way?"
"I guess it's a matter of perspective. I feel unacknowledged when you say I don't fight - I do. I put down my need to socialize to go to bed on Saturday night. I made you a priority on Monday when I realized my mistake and we feel better this morning. Why isn't this enough for you?"
The body says, "I guess I don't accept not being 100% and it's black or white for me. I've been so depressed ever since burning out. I never feel like I'm enough. It makes me sad. You are the only one who can hear me, feel me - I can't tell people around you I'm not feeling well unless I go to extremes..."